Shit Straight Men Say: *Wails Wonderwall*
Fellas, it's time to stop with the Hinge voice prompts.
We need to talk about Hinge voice prompts.
Specifically, we need to talk about why so many straight men love to pick the "proof I have musical talent" prompt and do one of the following:
Make some sort of crass fart noise, breathe heavily into the recording, or make strange noises (Chewbacca being quite common).
Play something from a speaker that is clearly not them.
Play some sort of weird joke from a TV show -- normally a show straight men love like Seinfeld or The Simpsons.
Sing 'Wonderwall' in an off-key delivery.
Play acoustic guitar.
Actually sing something that sounds anywhere between terrifying and maybe borderline passable on a karaoke night after numerous tequila shots.
Now, if you read my last newsletter you know I am basically on a dating app hiatus for the rest of the year, but while Tinder and Bumble lay untouched, I had let my Hinge matches creep up after not checking the app for some time, so I've been slowly going through and hitting the big X sign on most people who have thrown a like my way. I'm sorry, it's me, not you. But sometimes it's definitely you.
My friends can vouch for the fact I love a voice memo. I am the type of person when someone sends me a message with a general "update me on your life, who you're dating, latest work drama" etc. I will reply in about 5-7 memos varying in length between 20-second short bursts or five-minute "voice novels" as I like to call them.
I've used memos on dating apps before to converse with matches (normally only if they start it, because I'm not that concerned about giving some random guy called Jack a rundown of my life via Bumble voice memo).
But the Hinge voice prompts are truly one quick way to take things from "this person seems reasonable" to "this person has given me an ick I will never, ever get over."
I think the best thing to do would be for everyone to just stop it.
Just simply stop. Send your match an actual memo if you want after you've matched (like a normal conversation one, not you wailing "But maaaaaybaaaaay, you're gonna be the one that saves maaaaaeeee.”
If men stop with the bad voice prompts, they may see an increase in matches. If men stop with the bad voice prompts, my jaw will stop clenching tightly every time I listen to them make a bad joke then laugh heartily at themselves in a way that doesn't quite mask their obvious embarrassment. Is it really working millennial women halting the process of having children? No, it's the fact we simply stop ovulating every time we hear a straight man's voice prompt on Hinge.
Men, I beg of you — next time you’re filling in your Hinge prompts and think your voice prompt idea is a really funny, unique one, I am here to tell you it’s not.
And yes, that includes, faking a scenario where you’re crashing a car, someone’s walking in on you, or you pretend to fall off a cliff or whatever the fuck else you came up with that day.
Here are some funny dating app screenshots for you this week.
Thank you to those who sent some in, and thank you to the chats and screenshots I’ve kept in my phone for far too long.
1. Doesn’t sound anything like my old relationship.
Guess I could still be in a relationship if that was the proper boyfriend/girlfriend experience.
2. Travel with your what now?
I, uh… OK.
:)
3. Shock me that a J name is contradicting themselves.
The funniest thing would be if this person really did invite him over, got into their PJS, and went to sleep but also, Justin sounds like a sex pest so it’s not worth the risk.
4. What if all I do is eat 78% chocolate?
Trust me Matt, I could leave you quick smart.
I’m also adding Matt to my list of names not to trust, for what it’s worth. Ladies, stay safe out there.
5. I’m going to miss having Tinder Gold, RIP.
Wouldn’t be able to tell you the last time I went on a Tinder date, but having Gold meant I never missed a potential match like this.
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? IDK Sam… the zucchini I bought for some specific recipe, forgot about for three weeks, and found in the back of the fridge?
6. “Looking for something casual long-term”
Ahhh the ultimate avoidant move.
Casual long-term is unlikely to exist. What Reece wants is someone who does all the girlfriend things — hangs out with him, has sex with him, watches a movie with him, gets to know him over time because that’s what happens when things continue at a steady pace — without ever having to put a label on it.
There’s nothing wrong with casual dating or stating you don’t want a relationship until you know it’s the right person, but specifically looking for something “casual long-term” is just telling on yourself.
But, he’s also open to short-term, go with the flow, so maybe focus on that first, buddy.
7. Does your friend not know your age???
“My friend set this up and I’m older than what they said, ugh they’re so stupid” orrrr you’re trying to nab younger women. Do you know you could delete your profile and start it again with the right info? Crazy idea.
8. Chris, try talking to a friend.
Better luck next time!
–
I know. I got through a whole newsletter not giving you some sort of internal, self-indulged monologue. The haters (my brain) said it couldn’t happen.
Until next time friends. Stay safe, send me screenshots, etc.