Shit Straight Men Say: "I feel like I'm a shining beacon of light..."

I bet you do.

Nov 16, 2022

Newsflash: I’m probably the first person to ever say this! But don’t you sometimes think that dating really sucks?

It’s easy to talk about the fun side, the light-hearted side, the exciting side, the-so-bad it’s-funny side, but something we don’t talk about in-depth a lot is a simple little fact: dating is hard. It’s really, really hard and draining to put yourself out there time and time again and not find what you’re looking for.

In my 30s, I grapple with the feeling of the grass being greener: I feel the heavy fatigue of trying and failing and thinking maybe next time I’ll succeed. Sometimes I think I should just settle for someone who is simply nice enough and interested in me, and maybe I put too much weight on trying to find it all. Chemistry, compatibility, communication — which one do you cut if you had to make a choice?

But I also don’t see many relationships around me that I’m envious of or want to emulate. This isn’t the fault of the people around me — it’s because being single for so long I’ve romanticised finding love again in my head. I don’t think of the bad parts, the quiet parts, the mundane parts, the fights about who’s doing the mental load, the figuring out how to communicate with each other successfully, the parts where the sex dies off and the egos are bruised and everything has to be a conversation about feelings. I don’t think about the give and take, the “whose place are we spending Christmas at this year?”, and the everyday sacrifices. As much as I talk about wanting to find love again, sometimes I wonder if I’m just talking about wanting to relish in the honeymoon stage again, which is probably why I tend to partake in month-long flings until one of us pulls the plug not long after.

I notice people around me don’t often talk about how in love they are with their partners or how happy they make them. They use their time with friends, acquaintances, coworkers, or whoever is listening, to vent or find an outlet to make a “joke” or take a break from the fact that being in a relationship can be really exhausting. I don’t blame them at all, I get it entirely, but it makes me realise again how much I may be romanticising something that may not exist. “But you found love, right?” I want to say. “It’s worth it, right?”

I know how easy it is to slip into comfortability. To settle for nice at the time. And on the other hand, I know how easy it is to mistake chemistry and passion for compatibility and be weirdly, insanely devastated when it blows up. To put meaning into any crumb of attention they throw your way because you’re so fixated on someone that, surely, it has to mean something bigger otherwise you wouldn’t feel that way. And I know how easy it is to jump back on the apps, time and time again, searching for something bigger while inevitably settling for attention.

I’ve realised now as a closet romantic, and as someone who does have a lot to give in a relationship, I need to explore things without the distraction or validation of dating apps. I’ve been super burned out this year: my job has drained me, I’ve been constantly sick, and then in the background, I’ve been fixated on making sure I still live my life and not let the above two things stop me from dating, going to gigs, being social, partying, exercising, and trying new things.

The other day I thought about 2023 and entering my 33rd year in this world and it filled me with an underlying dread about having another year that has felt like this last one where I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel and never pausing for breath. So, as per usual, I spent some time overthinking things. What has given me joy over the year and what has zapped it? Writing this newsletter has given me a purpose. My friends and family have given me joy. Trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone has been so important to me. But I’ve put all those on hold at various times because of my job, which has depleted my energy and muted my overall ambition and zest for life.

So I quit my job. My work has been such a massive part of my identity over the years, that I realised I needed to step back, strip away my ego, and figure out who the fuck I am without it. Punkee has meant the world to me, but the environment is no longer conducive to my well-being, happiness, or future growth.

In stepping out of my comfort zone and pulling the plug, I also realised I can’t finish the year swiping through the apps. Just like my job, I’ve been reliant on the apps as a form of distraction or as an easy excuse to not really put myself out there and explore who I am or who I’m dating. And just like my job, dating apps became a part of my identity and then they became protection, helping me to actually avoid more serious dating or relationships. I had convinced myself I was “putting myself out there” by dating more than I had in previous years, but I was doing so on a shallow, somewhat empty basis and never getting past 2-3 dates.

I think it’s hard to foster a connection with someone if you’re both going home after a date and swiping through for the next best thing because even if the person in front of us ticks so many boxes, we all fear that the One True Perfect Match is just another swipe away. And as a slow-burn person, dating apps aren’t necessarily an ideal way for me to be able to form a connection with someone at the pace I need to, in order to make things have a higher chance of succeeding.

This isn’t to say this newsletter is going to end — I’m really excited to see where I can take it next year when I’ve had space to recover again from burnout. That’s basically my way of announcing I’m going on an app hiatus again, so I can explore what I need from dating with a more authentic and less distracted mindset.

That’s not to say I won’t be keeping an eye on the shit men are saying though. I’d never give that part up.

I just may need some of you to send me screenshots to add to my growing library of content. Plus, have you ever watched Love is Blind? Love Triangle? MAFS? There’s so much shit men say off the apps too that I will be excited to get into sometime soon.