I came back from Europe with a fresh, optimistic outlook on life and dating which has quickly plummeted lower than the bar women keep for the men in our lives.
On my second-last day of working at Channel Nine, I was waiting for the train home with my friend when I said, “Well, I guess I never found my North Sydney husband”.
(After working in youth media for most of my life which consists of a lot of women and gay men, I was astounded at the heterosexual vibe of the North Sydney business district as a whole.)
Then, lo and behold, on the train that night, a miracle happened. I caught eye contact with a toe-tapping, smiley man and as he departed at Wynyard, he apologised for being forward, asked if I was single, and proceeded to grab my Instagram details.
I stared at my friend wide-eyed after he jumped off the train. Had I just manifested this? Had my somewhat relaxed post-Europe glow and talk of wanting to meet someone IRL and not rely on the apps just come true? Would this be a story we told over dinners and to our Nonnas by Christmas time?
After some back-and-forth chat, he suggested taking me out for dinner. I messaged a single girls’ group chat: “he’s suggested dinner!”
Then, things got weird.
The conversation soon pivoted to having “dessert” before dinner. I kept talking about literal food and ignoring his euphemisms and we agreed Double Coat Tim Tams were a superior biscuit. “If you disagreed I’d have to pick you up and punish you,” he said, as though the pivot in conversation wasn’t punishment enough.
Every attempt he made to turn the conversation horny, I thwarted but held out some naive hope that maybe it wouldn’t get weirder than this. Not my IRL meet-cute! We would go to dinner! We would!
Of course, we wouldn’t. My good man did not want dinner. He wanted what every man on dating apps wants, except he took about 48 hours to get there instead of the usual five minutes.
Call me Einstein, but I realised we weren’t going anywhere. I unfollowed him, made him unfollow me in the process, and rolled my eyes at his passive-aggressive message when he realised.
Yeah, it was a stunningly great chat, mate. So great, I have it about five times a week at this point with every other too-thirsty man out there who haven’t learned in their 30s it’s embarrassing to keep asking women on apps what their favourite position is, as though that’s going to get them to the next audition.
At this point I’m going to get “another one bites the dust” tattooed across my clavicle. And weirdly, it still wouldn’t be the worst tattoo I’ve ever had.
Anyway, here are some more screenshots for your enjoyment? Well for you to look at, it’s not exactly enjoyable, is it.
The shit straight men have been saying on the apps:
1. The one night prize
Here for one night only? What a shame!
Could have been the start of a great love story.
2. What’s in a name?
So when I matched with old mate Randy, he didn’t have his randy bio. Then after we chatted, he asked me to go back and tell him my thoughts on his bio.
I have no thoughts Randy, just vibes. Bad vibes.
I’m so tired of these conversations and normally I wouldn’t even bother entertaining them but I wanted to test what it was like to ask men to clarify themselves like I don’t understand what they’re saying. Unfortunately, they still don’t seem to pick up on how stupid they sound and have no qualms with explaining themselves further, so I dropped that game pretty fast.
3. Tell me you hate women without specifically saying you hate women.
My man really out here letting his intrusive thoughts win.
4. The first wave of divorcees
Some single friends and I often joke we’re now at the age where all the good ones are taken and we’re just going to have to wait for the first wave of divorced men.
Except, you know, divorced men who have maybe taken a bit of a break to work on themselves and the demise of their relationship instead of jumping straight on the apps.
But is there really such a thing as a straight man knowing how to be alone? Like, properly alone. Not just single, not just living by himself, but in a space where he takes a break without using apps or casual dating situations for constant validation.
Can it be done?
I’m not sure if five months ago you were “happily” married, but perhaps… just married.
5. IDK you guys, I’d rather just stab myself in the eyeballs at this point.
At least laugh at my joke before I un-match you, Rob.
6. :)
It’s the smiley face for me.
7. Maybe it’s time for women to mansplain?? Womensplain??
8. And finally, a relatable bio.
This is how I’m selling myself from now on.
Until next time, friends.