Shit Straight Men Say: "Yes, I will excite you."

Will you, though? Plus, high-class escort Samantha X on everything she's learned about men.

Being in the media has meant at some stage in my career I developed an online persona.

I don’t think it’s all that different to who I am in real life, but there are shades of things that could be interpreted in different ways. Take this newsletter for example: the assumption probably is I am on dating apps to fuel content vs. being on them for the “right reasons”. As someone who’s also covered and recapped a lot of dating reality shows (quite cynically) over the years and who is now writing a lot more about dating and relationships outside of the TV realm in a more personal context, I think it’s understandable that men would assume I’m using them for content.

I won’t pretend at some point that it hasn’t blurred things for me: am I on the apps now just to fuel another idea for a newsletter or am I on them trying to find a connection? And can you do both at the same time?

So here’s the real truth: I am cynical and sarcastic, but I’m also a hopeless romantic. For every episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette I’ve written about scathingly, I’ve cried at a loved-up moment or finale. For every time I’ve rolled my eyes at a bad dating story, my heart’s melted for a good one. And when it comes to dating apps, there’s a minefield of terrible content, but the truth is I’m still on the apps (naively, perhaps) searching for something more than just a cringe-worthy screenshot.

So while I am putting myself out there, admittedly trying to find something other than some really terrible bios, the reality is I’ll be constantly sorting through shit straight men say in the meantime. And now you can find me on Instagram doing exactly that! If you ever need a laugh or to feel better about your own dating life, follow it here.

Shit Straight Men Say In Screenshots:

This will be a small edition of screenshots this week, because I want to get to the real juicy content – my interview with high-class escort, journalist, author, and all-around powerhouse Samantha X.

But first, screenshots:

1. Kale etc.

I think we all know by now there are so many men who ramble incoherently in their bios and love to just string a bunch of words together. But the jump from wanting a “cheeky pocket rocket”, to KALE really killed me. I even double-checked if Kale had any other meaning than the vegetable (IDK, maybe it meant something on Urban Dictionary?) but I came up empty. (Someone enlighten me if I’m wrong.)

Sometimes I think about what I want in a man: someone who is a good communicator, someone who is honest, in terms of looks I can be a sucker for blue eyes and tattoos, and, hmm what else, oh CAULIFLOWER.

2. “Most of all very expensive.”

Nothing screams “very expensive looking” than someone called Tindaguy and a profile shot of some dirt.

3. “Make you do fun things.”

Don’t threaten me with a good time, Simon*!

As always I want the confidence of a mediocre white man describing themselves. “Swipe right if you think you can get my attention” ugh, probably not, sorry Simon. You’re too much man for me! Godspeed.

*Disclaimer: a Twitter friend told me I should bump my age settings up to get some really weird bios and look, she wasn’t wrong. I barely lasted 10 minutes. It’s a scary world out there when it comes to men in their 40s.

Interview: Samantha X

I’ve followed Samantha on Twitter for some time and read her work with fascination. In her own words, she’s a journo who “swapped shorthand for stilettos” becoming Australia’s most well-known escort, Samantha X.

She’s written books and she’s written many articles about life as an escort: so really, who knows men better than a woman who has spent countless hours with them?

I had the pleasure of interviewing Samantha recently and picked her brain about her career, the things she’s learned about men and what they really want, common misconceptions when it comes to straight men, and one very real tip for making sex better for everyone.

[Visit Samantha X After Dark here.]

On the biggest misconceptions about men:

“That they’re all about sex. I’d say while they think about sex a lot, when they're with me or one of my girls, sex isn’t the top of their list. I remember one client rang me and he said ‘you know I’m so sick of these young girls just wanting sex, do you have any mature age ones that like to talk?’, so you’d be surprised that men actually really crave connection and communication and that kind of intimacy far more than penis in the vagina.

They’re still sex-crazed, but I think men know sex is over pretty quickly. Put it this way: I saw a client the other day and it was a three-hour booking and the first thing he says when he turns up was, ‘Oh Samantha, I’m going to make your ears bleed today’ and he talked to me for about 2 hours and 55 minutes! And the sex was honestly maybe six minutes, not even.”

On the side of straight men a lot of women/people don’t see:

“As much as we have moved on in terms of gender and equality, men are still portrayed and expected to be manly and tough and strong. Emotionally and physically.

And in my job, I see their vulnerable side and I see men cry all the time. And I always think, if only women knew this side of men. They are no different to women, it’s just that they’re conditioned to withhold their feelings and emotions.

I think women, we all speak and confide in each other and men don’t have that. And that’s why they pay a lot of money IMO to see an escort. It’s not about sticking their dick in an escort, they can do that with anyone. It’s about a safe space for them. There’s a side to men that not many people are privy to and I feel really honoured to be privy to that side.”

On why so many people cheat or why romantic relationships fall apart:

“Well, I think that the intimacy dies and this is what I’ve heard -- there’s no sex, but there’s also no connection anymore. I also hear women get to a certain age, say late-40s, and they have the kids, they get their lives back, they get their bodies back, they started going to the gym, they get a job, and they don’t want to be with their husbands anymore. It’s like the equivalent of a mid-life crisis, they just rediscover themselves and their sexuality and the men are left behind. A few clients sit on the hotel bed and sob because their wives have left them. 

And it’s not just men who cheat! It’s women too, women just get away with it more because we’re smarter. I think marriage is pretty unrealistic these days.”

On her advice to single people in their 20s and 30s:

Samantha: “I was so preoccupied with the way I look and I was so obsessed with weight and being attractive to men. Once I let go of that and became more casual and relaxed in my attitude and the way I portrayed myself -- if I knew that earlier on I would’ve saved a lot of money! 

What about you? You’re so young still?”

Tahlia: “I feel like I’ve come on a big journey in the last four or so years of having the world’s poorest self-esteem and now I’m finally in a position where I can communicate my feelings and what I need. I guess the game playing stuff is something I wish I ruled out completely earlier on in life. There’s been so much that’s been implemented in women with games, if he’s not texting you he’s playing hard to get, or don’t write back to his messages straight away, make him wait -- the reality is, he doesn’t care! It’s quite simple at the end of the day, if they want to see you, they’ll message you.”

Sam: “That’s really good advice, If you don’t hear from them, they don’t want to speak to you. If he doesn’t call you or text you, it’s because he’s not thinking about you, men are so simple in that regard. I’d love to hear what the men think though, maybe they disagree… but men are never too busy to think about their cocks. Ever!”

On what men and women really want and need in bed for better sex: