Shit Straight Men Say: "Why are you single?"

Because the bar is buried six-feet under.

Spring has sprung, the sun is out, I’ve slowly emerged from hibernation like a tired butterfly with a broken wing, and the other day I caught myself thinking a really nice, nostalgic thought about an ex-boyfriend out of the blue and, sure enough, I looked at the calendar and noted that it was the anniversary of our breakup.

I’ve been thinking recently about how complex relationships are — romantic, platonic, in-between. Sometimes I’ll smile at the memory of this long-term ex, even though I once deemed him The Worst Person In The World. I wonder what ifs about people I met earlier in life, what if I met someone when I wasn’t so emotionally inept, or I’ll wonder what ifs about people I know now but have no current romantic inclination for. I’ll wonder what ifs about people I’m attracted to but who it doesn’t work out with, I’ll wonder about what ifs on actual dates, trying to desperately fight through the murkiness of how unnatural it feels to constantly be going on dating app dates and expecting someone to spark an interest, and how tiring it is to never feel that attraction for anyone.

As we head into summer I’m trying to be much more intentional with my dating life. For a long time, I’ve flip-flopped between long periods of not dating, putting my emotional energy into people who can suck me dry like a vampire, and giving people numerous chances when I don’t feel an attraction because I’m convinced I’m trying to win the Slow Burn Wars. I’ve realised recently, that a lot of the time I’m not even having fun. It’s easy to turn dating into a pattern of just going through the motions in some desperate hope that eventually something with stick.

I’ve been struggling with the constant pressure or need to “put yourself out there”. I am someone who is quite openly, at this stage of my life, looking for the right connection. I’m very content on my own, but I’d love to find a person to share things with. While dating can be fun and messy and chaotic and frustrating and invigorating, and while sometimes I still fear the thought of having my single time being over (selfish!), it’s not often talked about how draining it is to be trying to find a connection with an open enough heart and hitting constant roadblocks. There’s a myriad of reasons: good connections and bad timing, bad connections during good timing, strong emotional attachments that don’t equate to physical ones, or strong physical attractions that don’t merge into emotional ones.

Or sometimes, as one friend puts it, ‘I actually don’t know how you date straight men’. I’ve tried the apps, I’ve told friends to keep me in mind if they have decent single friends, and I get the same response: ‘no one good enough’. It’s not because I think I, or the other single women I know, are magical unicorns (or maybe we are), it just seems hard to find a man in your 30s who can consistently measure up to a relatively low bar. Or if you believe single women drinking Cosmos all over the city, maybe the “good ones are taken” and we’re all waiting for the first wave of divorcees (at least, you can probably guarantee by the time they’re getting divorced they’ve probably tried therapy in some form).

The solution for me right now is to remove myself from the picture. The moment it gets overwhelming for me, it’s time to break the cycle. I’m sure if you’ve been here for a while, you’ve probably lost count of how many times I’ve deleted and redownloaded the apps. But as we all know by now the apps exist for us to use them and become addicted to them. Breaking the cycle isn’t a bad thing. If something isn’t working for you, it’s insane to keep repeating the pattern if it’s making you unhappy. I’ve currently got one app left on my phone, on pause, but I just can’t imagine a moment where I’ll be enthused to be teeing up dates with strangers any time soon.

There’ll still be newsletters & screenshots though because not only do I have stored-up content but I also have single friends who are still using the apps (thanks to the girls’ group chat doing the heavy lifting, you know who you are).

Also, who knows what real-life encounters you may hear of for the rest of the year!

Here’s some of the latest shit straight men are saying:

1. How Brandon is still alive is beyond me.

I mean he’s definitely unique for surviving 27 cans of red bull, I’ll give him that.

2. It’s time we stop making up random love languages.

Would love to know how quickly “creative teasing” turns into “potential gaslighting” or “oh wow, I guess you can’t take a joke”.

I’ll be so strong that it’ll be a hard nope from me, Samuel.

3. Sounds like all cons.

Honestly, it should be illegal for men in their 30s to be talking like this. Arrest them!!

4. Why are you single?

I’ve talked about it before, but the ‘Why are you single’ question bores me to tears. Firstly, it implies there’s something wrong with being single, and secondly, a good portion of the time it’s followed by some sort of joke about maybe being secretly “crazy” or “haven’t met the right man” and, once again, implies fault towards the woman in question for being single, or being difficult, or being choosy, or whatever other word you want to associate with it all.

Honestly, show me a person who’s made it to their 30s and who isn’t a little bit crazy.

We could get stuck in the blame game all day, but yes Karl, I am picky and there’s actually nothing negative about that either. As always, I’d rather be single and content than unhappy in the wrong relationship or a dragged-out situationship because I got too scared, uncomfortable, or bored being alone.

5. Send me to a retirement home.

Somehow this man managed to make our four-year age gap sound like he’d be visiting me from a hospital bed soon, a dazed smile plastered across my face as I struggled to recall who he was, as he sadly handed me flowers and kissed me on the forehead, dreaming of the days where I was more spritely.

Stay tuned for the next edition: and if you have your own screenshots or horrific dating stories, send them to the Shit Straight Men Say Instagram!