Shit Straight Men Say: "What is the animal within you?"
IDK man, but the animal within is tired.
I’ve decided there needs to be a dating app for people who have been single for over a year.
As someone hitting the five-year mark of being single, I’m a big believer in learning to be content by yourself and I don’t think that can necessarily be achieved if you’ve broken up with a long-term partner and bounced into a new, serious romance soon after.
Being single is a grey area in itself. There’s casual dating, there’s being friends with benefits, there are now situationships just to really fuck you up more. There are all sorts of things that can fill the romance or companionship void in your life during that time period. I find it hard to meet people who are good at being properly single.
People state that they’re good at being single while filling in every night with dates. People state they’re good at being single while they’re sleeping or hanging out with their ex. People state they’re good at being single by getting into a situationship (which is basically the coward’s relationship) and, in my opinion, all of the above things don’t really constitute as learning to be on your own. Technically, you’re single, but you're also avoiding something or filling in a void.
Of course, people who are newly single should be allowed to date and use the apps and have a GOOD TIME. I just struggle now as someone who’s been on their own for a long time to muster up enthusiasm for my date after finding out they have just broken off a long-term engagement two months earlier and I’m their first Tinder match. Over the last 12 months, I’ve had an unfortunate track record of attracting newly single men, wide-eyed venturing into dating for the first time in however long, with dates turning into some sort of therapy session.
Thank you for the wine (or whine) and that’ll be $200, and I’m sorry your ex… forced you to propose? I don’t know what you want me to do with that information.
So, like I said, there needs to be an app for people who have really experienced being single. And maybe a checkbox of whether they’ve gone to therapy or not.
To my paid subscribers, please stay tuned for my next edition of #100Dates. I’m thrilled to report I’ve had another completely baffling experience with a straight man.
Here’s some of the shit straight men have been saying lately.
1. Well go connect with an animal, Christian.
I wish Hinge would let you send photos back to someone. This is all I’d have to say:
2. The one who would spam the same line.
I’m not real, I died in a tragic accident many years ago after accidentally falling for a man called Don Lothario who wooed many women over the years, each one mysteriously disappearing or dying and being shipped off to a haunted ho-
Wait sorry, no that was my Sims 2 game.
3. God, someone’s gotta tell him.
Welfare check on Anthony please! Anthony, switch on the news! Anthony, for the love of god, stop your daily walks! You can go back to the gym! Anthony, curfew is over! Anthony, stand up, you can dance at pubs and clubs again!
4. Darren, I swear to god…
Omg OK, cute Darren, we can go on a date when I can be fucked to guess, how does that sound????
5. Why…
Ben this is not… a fun guessing game.
Ben, I simply don’t care, I just… why would I guess any of these things with such little information?
6. Dying to hear this song tbh.
To date for a week and get a song written about you! The power! What did this man DO?!
AGAIN, WHAT DID THIS MAN DO?!
I don’t think he realises this isn’t the bragging right he thinks it is.
7. Well, I guess it’s different to physical touch.
Not a bowl, no, but one time when I was in WA I experienced going to a place called Dome and I asked for a piccolo and the girl had no idea what it was and I was like, basically uhhh a mini-latte? and I got weird because I had never explained a piccolo in my life and then she got weird and gave me an espresso with a tiny bit of foamed milk on the top and that moment has lived in my head forever. It’s the Dome way.
8. I doubt it.
You’re not cooler than me by the way, and no woman wants to fix you.
Over on Shit Straight Men Say, the Facebook edition.
Recently I asked people to share their dating horror stories and this story from Amanda was too horrific not to share here.
“Once upon a time, not so long ago, I met a guy on POF. After two weeks of speaking, we decided to meet…. at his house (yep, I know… very silly idea). He lived with his parents and he assured me they would not be there and I made it clear I was not ready to meet them.
I got to his house and 5 seconds after I met him, I had the pleasure of meeting his parents who had said they just HAD to meet me after they’d heard SO much about me. They then went out to dinner while he gave me a tour of the house including his bedroom which he proudly told me had been cleaned by his mother in anticipation of my visit.
During the ‘date’ he continuously stole my nose (the old ‘got cha nose’ trick you do to children) and spoke to me in a baby voice. When I told him I was leaving, he wiggled his thumb between his fingers (my nose) at me and said ‘you can’t go, I’ve got your nose’. I replied, ‘no you don’t’ and left. On my 40 minute trip home I got 10 messages which started playful and ended with being infuriated I had not replied (even though he knew I was driving). Needless to say, I advised him I didn’t feel like it would go anywhere and let him down gently. He proceeded to get drunk all night and text me how heartbroken he was.”
It’s so dire out there, fam. Look after yourselves, and feel free to join the FB group for moral support.