Shit Straight Men Say: "What are your hobbies?"

Welcome to the speed dating edition.

It’s been a little while in between editions so I apologise: I got busy with work, I went on a trip to Far North Queensland, and then I was struck down with tonsillitis.

But I’ve had a few life learnings in between editions: don’t say things like “I’ll keep going at 100 until my wisdom teeth surgery because I’ll rest then” because you’ll just tempt fate, make yourself sick, and then have to postpone said surgery… again. I’ve learned that every time I’m out of Sydney I tend to meet men I get along with more. And I’ve learned while I don’t think I’m built for speed dating, it can be an eye-opening experience.

I’ve always wondered who signs up to speed dating: is it “desperate singles”, people new to the city, people who just want to push themselves out of their comfort zone? Where do I fall in these categories? Was I going in the hopes that I thought I’d actually establish any good connections? Well, in all honesty, not really, but as a woman who’s been single for quite a few years now, it turns out just flicking idly through the apps is hardly giving me any inspiration or hope for the future.

All I know is that when it comes to dating, something needs to change in 2022. My plans for the year revolve around saying yes more: spending less time inside, getting out of the city more, doing things that push me out of comfort zone whether that’s speed dating or white water rafting. After two years cooped up inside in and out of lockdowns, I’ve felt determined to not take life for granted again.

That’s already got me in some trouble in the last few months: my socialising went up, so did my drinking, and so did my overall chaos when it came to dating and men. Hot Girl Summer was quite frenzied: I met long-last dating matches from years past, I tested boundaries with male friends (are they a friend? are they not?), I slipped back into messaging patterns with former flames I shouldn’t have been in contact with. I realised I was starting to constantly seek some form of attention or validation on nights out, whether it was with a stranger on the dancefloor or whether it was through some form of self-sabotage with an old crush. It was reminiscent of uni days, of freedom, of being able to let loose again, but it wasn’t necessarily a pattern of behaviour I wanted to slip back into.

For the last two years particularly, I’ve worked really hard at building my self-esteem up from zero, to give less of a shit what people think about me, and to not fall victim to the desire of wanting to be accepted or “seen” by men. There’s a fine line between wanting to go out, flirt with strangers, and have a good time vs. basing your night and how much fun you have on your success rate of such things. The line can get blurred easily.

My pattern of behaviour with men has mostly always been rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem. I wasn’t a teenager who had boyfriends and I wasn’t (and in my own head, still am not) someone often noticed by the opposite sex. I was so insecure in my twenties that I was never in control of my own dating life. I relied on alcohol to have confidence, and many of my experiences with men followed the motions of what I thought I should be doing. I never wanted to rock the boat, speak my mind, and everything I did was with the viewpoint of being a relatively “chill” girl, based on my belief I wasn’t attractive enough to act otherwise. Relenting was easier than saying no, drinking was a way to feel more confident, and never getting serious with anyone meant I never had to be vulnerable. My one long-term relationship ended in a toxic way which also shaped my viewpoint of dating and men in the years to come. I was terrified of not being enough or being too much, I’d avoid dates because I thought people would be disappointed in me in real life, and I’d constantly compare myself to other women.

So maybe this all sounds like a really sad story, but this is where speed dating comes in (I promise I was getting to an actual point). With speed dating you’re not the online version of yourself, you’re not able to hide your hormonal pimple with a filter, you’re not under the influence of numerous wines (well, at the start anyway). You’re not comparing yourself to others in the room, you’re not even wondering if the person across from you deems you attractive and you’re not worried if they’re your “type”. You’re only focused on getting to know the person across from you, at face value, for a total of five minutes.

I didn’t form any noteworthy connections at speed dating but it was a worthwhile experience because it reminded me that getting to know people isn’t about impressing them or hoping they validate you. It’s not about fixating on whether or not they’ll message you and it’s not about basing “success” on how many people were interested in you. You’ll either be their cup of tea or not, and that’s totally fine.

The one thing speed dating did lead me to however was wanting to ban a particular question from first dates.

“What are your hobbies?”

There are SO MANY boring things we’ve had to start retiring from apps: the pineapple on pizza debate. Whether coriander sucks or not. And asking about hobbies has to be the next one.

Speed dating reminded me that talking about hobbies is a common first date question and I honestly believe NO ONE likes answering it. But the bigger problem now is that it’s also such a common question, everyone has a rehearsed answer to it.

Do you know what’s NOT fun? Being asked approximately 15 times in a row at speed dating and then having to politely say “and you?” and listen to 15 men list boring hobbies.

I am so glad you have hobbies, don’t get me wrong. You like painting? Love that for you. Bird watching? Sure! Love the gym? Not a hobby, but that’s fine. Into tennis? Just don’t judge my backhand. You like listening to podcasts? No, please don’t say Joe Rog-

I think it’s fair to assume everyone you meet has some sort of interests or hobbies that make up who they are as a person. But to me, a part of dating someone is discovering those things naturally, not through a rattled off list someone’s repeated 77 times to make themselves sound borderline impressive.

As I write this, I’ve come to learn I am holding the unpopular opinion here. I surveyed a bunch of you over at Shit Straight Men Say on Instagram and found out the majority of you probably would ask this on a first date, with one person responding that if a person can’t answer what their hobbies are, it’s a red flag.

While I thought red flag was maybe borderline dramatic, to be fair, the person then told me they asked a date about their hobbies once and the date replied by saying “Instagram”.

My hot tip for anyone who wants to try speed dating in the future – if you want to get people talking without their polite, rehearsed answers, ask them their top three vegetables and why. And when they say “sweet potato” ask them what makes them choose sweet potato over normal potato. You’ll honestly learn a lot. They’ll get quite passionate.

In other shit straight men said on speed dating night, I went for a drink after with a man (while my friend was having a much more successful time with one of her matches) who tried to tell me the gender wage gap doesn’t exist. Yeah man, we know it doesn’t exist for you in your lived experience.

He also asked me my top five things I was looking for in someone, and when I rattled them off he went in on me for not listing a physical attribute. “Not even height?” he asked. “Well, I doubt I’d ever date someone shorter than me because I’ve never met a m-” I started. “So you WOULDN’T date someone shorter than you!” he said gleefully.

We then got into a discussion about ambition (I had stated I like someone with ambition) and he took it to mean I was looking for someone wealthy. “It’s not about money,” I said. “I just want to know the person I’m dating has goals in life. I don’t care where you work, but what do you want to achieve?”

“So you want them to be rich?” he said.

Here’s the shit straight men have been saying in screenshots.

Please note, I was in Queensland collecting some of these and I decided to delete all the “unvaxxed and proud” ones I came across because there were A LOT.

1. The man who did list his hobbies for us.

Hunting seagulls?!

2. The long-winded spiel.

I reckon on first dates we should all be forced to read out our bios exactly the way they’re written.

3. The obvious red flag.

Any man who describes himself either as a) a gentleman or b) an alpha, is a walking red flag. If you know, you know.

4. Say my name, say my name…

I honestly never thought I’d see the words sumptuous and thrust together, but here we are.

5. Discreet??

I’d hate to see the non-discreet version.

6. We won’t get along then.

Much like men are over women who make their personalities travel and Aperol spritzes, I am begging men to stop making their personalities NFTs and crypto.

7. Nothing serious but who knows?

He took us on a real journey here. Mate, I’d stick to maybe figuring out the FWB situation before trying a new relationship, just a handy hint from me to you. You’re not ready.

8. This week’s fave.

If anything, I appreciate the honesty and I find it deeply relatable.

In other news…

I’m starting (or rather continuing) an interview series for Shit Straight Men Say, interviewing single people about their time on dating apps! You don’t need to be a woman dating men, I’m looking to chat to anyone keen to talk about the modern-day dating landscape.

You can slide into my DMs or flick me an email at shitstraightmensay@gmail.com.

And if you’re not interested in being interviewed, you can still slide into my DMs with your latest dating app screenshots, dating horror stories, or your top three vegetables (justice for cauliflower!)

And always remember…