Shit straight men say: 'My ex tried to baby trap me'

I honestly didn't ask.

I bit the bullet and went on a first date recently.

It went a little like this: boy meets girl on app. Boy and girl exchange voice memos and all is well. Boy and girl agree to meet up. Boy ends up being 30 minutes late and arrives just as girl is leaving. Boy sits down and trauma dumps for two hours, while also throwing out some outlandish viewpoints on minority groups and how to discipline children. Girl leaves.

It wasn’t exactly the step back into the dating realm I was after, but in some ways it was a good reminder of how simply boring I now find a man who doesn’t have his shit together, or rather, is doing nothing to even pretend to get his shit together (because, let’s be real, none of us have perfectly figured out this life thing). While back in the day, I probably loved a fixer-upper or felt sympathetic or closer to someone when they did trauma dump, I’ve started to properly make peace with the fact this modern-day dating world just isn’t actually for me.

From listening to this man’s story about how his ex tried to “baby-trap” him as though he had no responsibility or accountability in the situation, to listening to him say he’d never help raise “another man’s child” and that “if you’re born a boy, you are a boy, it’s what’s on your birth certificate”, as he continued talking and learning literally nothing about me as a person other than the fact I hated his viewpoints, my mind had already wandered off in about 10 different directions: “This sucks”, “Are straight men OK?”, “What is he on about now?”, “Wait, why are we now talking about kids if he doesn’t want kids?” to “I cannot do this anymore.”

I simply cannot do this anymore.

The mental and emotional labour that goes into dating men who haven’t worked on themselves in any capacity is just getting absolutely ludicrous. During that date I realised that while for some time I became fixated on being ready to find a relationship and held hope it’d happen for me because I am in the right place to be able to “settle down” as they say, I am also finally at the point where I’ve come to a place of absolute acceptance. There’s a real chance I may not have a romantic love story in my future… and that’s actually more than OK.

While of course it’s natural to crave that romantic attachment or wish for it, it’s harder for me to prioritise dating when it turns out to be experiences like the above because I already have so much that fills my cup: I have amazing friends. I have a beautiful family. I have a job that I like, a steady income, and I have a lot of time for myself. I have future goals, I have future travel plans, I get the same dopamine hit from live gigs that I could get from a sporadic crush, and while by now I would’ve hoped to have met someone who was aligned with me in a similar journey… it’s not happening. So it’s actually rather OK for me to just be doing it on my own instead.

It’s not to say I’ve shut myself off to dating, using apps, or engaging with men. It’s just to say that I’m finally at a place where I’m happy not to factor a relationship into my future without feeling like I’m “missing out”. It could be a “nice to have” but it’s no longer a “must”. And my time is definitely not going to be wasted spending any more energy on men who can’t respect my time, values, or everyone’s basic human rights.

In case any straight men are actually reading this, let me say: the sexiest thing you can do in your 30s* is work on yourself properly. That doesn’t mean lifting heavier at the gym or bragging about being able to afford a house deposit. It means trying to understand the impact the patriarchy has also had on you, seeking help or therapy if you need it (and we all do), listening to the women or other minorities in your life and understanding them rather than trying to argue “your point” with them because you undoubtedly come from a place of some societal privilege, and owning your own shit and taking accountability. These days, that’s the hottest thing a man can do.

*well any age really.

Some of the latest shit straight men have been saying:

1. Grow up!

This man is in his 40s. To think it’s cutesy to say “Secure attachment styles need not apply” and thinking that saying you’re into “emotionally unavailable princesses” will get you matches is straight-up icky behaviour.

At best, he’s just a bit of an immature idiot thinking this strange 2010 Tumblr style softboi approach would work on women in their 30s and 40s (and let’s be real, he probably has his age range set from as young as 19 anyway). At worst, he’s actually into trying to romanticise women as insecure, anxious/avoidant, and emotionally unavailable in order to try to appease his own pathetic ego issues.

Literally, grow up and go to therapy.

2. No one has all three because that’s way more than three…

You’ve listed three actual traits in the first point, my brother in Christ.

Also within this list, it’s kinda obvious Simon is just saying he wants a hot bitty who wants to bear his children and probably bounce back to a perfect size six after. It’s transparent AF.

3. In this current climate?

Personally, I’d rethink this “joke”.

Please go directly to jail.

4. No one:

Jackson:

Jackson has definitely been told he’s “funny” in the past but hasn’t evolved his humour for many good years.

Okie dokes then!

5. A memory from the past

As I was flying back from the strange, strange city that is Brisbane, I was deleting old photos off my phone and came across this from back in the day.

I assume he’s writing fan fiction somewhere now. I want that for him.

6. Extended what now?

My friend from the US sent me this one, proving the upsetting theory that it’s not just Aussie men who are a bit fucked in the head, but maybe just… many men from many countries.

Robert, I think you may want to be in a weird antivaxxer cult? Am I right?

Until next time, friends. I know these issues aren’t as frequent as they used to be, maybe partly because I didn’t imagine when I started this in 2020 that I’d still be here on the same journey in 2024 and partly because if I sit too long typing at a computer after doing it all bloody day for work, it cooks my neck.

But I appreciate you coming along for the ride. It’s bumpy, it’s tiring, it’s sporadically funny, and you know what to do: send me screenshots of your own harrowing experiences here if you wish.