Recently a friend told me she is about to approach dating like she would looking for a new job: with vigour, intent and with an ultimate goal in mind. To find a boyfriend. Years ago I’d probably see this approach as unromantic or get lost in the idealistic way we’ve all been conditioned to meet someone: by the hand of fate, a moment where you lock eyes with someone and know that they are your future.
In your 30s, it’s hard to find that feeling but it’s not a bad thing even if we often feel like it is. Reality isn’t always romantic. We’re all a little more tired, a little more slumped over from the weight of our baggage and responsibilities. After the above conversation, I then thought of another friend who once approached dating methodically, like a job application. A few dates per week, ticking them off, and yes, finding a partner. But it’s what she learned she did and didn’t want along the way that led her closer to her person. For so long I wanted to believe dating isn’t a numbers game and we meet the person or people we’re meant to meet organically and without fuss. Eyes meet over a bar. You forge a friendship that turns romantic. They hoist you up on their shoulders at a Parkway Drive gig and it’s love at first mosh (maybe just me). But modern dating has changed and without any effort, can we expect that greater reward?
I’ve been through many stages of dating myself. Chasing, and being chased. Deciding to sit back and let “fate” take control. Using apps to meet people, then ditching them to meet people IRL. Spending too long in the comfort of a situationship because it temporarily fulfilled my needs and took me out of the exhausting nature of first dates and trying and trying again. Yet, despite many hiccups, along the way what I’ve been looking for has slowly changed for the better.
If you’re aware of it, every day you can catch glimpses of people who inspire you to do better and people who you hope to meet one day in your life, or who hold the qualities you’d like to see in a relationship. At the airport line the other day I watched a man surrounded by his small family, talk to a pre-teen boy who wasn’t his, explaining to him what the plane to Wagga would look like, his smile reaching his eyes. The boy asked a lot of enthusiastic questions, loudly and without pause. The man never once turned away or got distracted by the moving line in front of him but kept eye contact and answered the stranger’s questions with patience and kindness. Years ago if you asked me what I was looking for in a man, I’d have said I needed someone book-smart, intelligent, well-read… as I get older, I realise how important qualities like kindness, empathy, emotional intelligence, patience, and general care are.
On apps, it’s harder to find the traits you’re looking for, not because they don’t exist but because we’re all somewhat guarded, on our best behaviours and approaching dates like job interviews methodically answering questions and trying to get people to like us. But as MAFS wraps up for another year and my time frees up again, I plan to once again approach dating with effort that has been lacking on my side for the first part of the year. And even in the job-like nature of first dates, I’ll be looking for the little things, the more hidden qualities behind bravado and stories, like how watching the interaction between the man and the kid at the airport made me smile and tug at my heart a little more than I expected.
The only problem? Sorting through this filth to even get to a first date.
Shit straight men say: one week back on the apps edition
To be fair, I haven’t actually been fully off them, but the other week I decided to properly try and start using them again. The below screenshots all happened in the space of about two days.
1. Go to jail
Like actually, go to jail. If this is the “humour” of men in their 30s god save us all.
2. Lol
Remember how above I used to think in my 20s that I was after an intellectual, well-read man? Spare me this bullshit of someone pseudo-intellectual.
It’s giving first-year psychology student vibes. And I’m assuming he thinks it’s giving emotional intelligence, when it’s really giving wanker.
Look I don’t want to overthink it, but it’s also like he thinks his read of any woman would be correct and therefore can excuse his own weird behaviour of even psychoanalysing someone on a first date, especially if it doesn’t go the way he planned.
It’s like those guys who text you with the whole “I’d love to do this again” and you let them down and they go “Yeah, I thought you were going to say that” just to get on the front foot again. Like what?!
3. I’m hoping you learn how to use full words
Normally I don’t get nitpicky on people’s spelling on apps because that would make me a wanker, but the below is just lazy and not because I don’t think he knows how to spell. Also, the context is gross.
In short, and through abbreviations, he’s saying he’d like a skinny, hot, confident, woman who will look good on his arm and be social when he wants it but not when she wants it, and one who will probably never “challenge” him in what I have no doubt are deeply-rooted misogynistic beliefs and behaviours.
4. The sudden death of convo.
My first mistake was probably just replying in the first place.
He never figured out the answer.
5. Do I even want to ask?
It’s a cliffhanger, I will admit, but Michael I’m tired. Were you ghosted? Catfished? Do you tell this story on first dates? Is the prompt even worth it?
Is any of it worth it? I’ll leave you with that thought.