Shit Straight Men Say: "Hey trouble"

"Biggest risk I've taken? Why making a Hinge profile of course ;)"

Towards the end of last year, you may remember I was feeling quite hopeful and optimistic about dating in 2022.

As the first three months of the year come to an end, I can safely say that my extremely strange luck when it comes to dating is still unparalleled and most of my dating experiences in the first quarter of this year have been filled once again with weirdos, bad exchanges, and tiring banter.

Lately, I’ve noticed I tend to attract men with interesting opinions. From Jordan Peterson stans to men who think they deserve to have their own dating podcast because, uh, they are “traditional” and think the world should know about it, putting myself out of my comfort zone and dating more has given me some bigger learnings, but it really makes me miss the nostalgic feeling of having a crush and being able to date someone who I can stand to be around after the first 2-3 dates.

The thing about dating in your 30s is that time isn’t exactly on your side anymore and your bullshit radar is fairly well attuned. It’s something I learned recently after the third date with someone – the red flags were there on date one, but after date three it became apparent our values were completely different and it was becoming a waste of time to continue pursuing a connection based purely on physical attraction.

I agree that people can disagree but when your fundamental values and beliefs don’t align, to the point you spend every date arguing, that’s not a fun or exciting turn on. It’s exhausting. It’s not my job to make men see the women in their lives as human beings who are actually equal to them, regardless of what they try to tell me about how “biology” works.

I’m not an overly confrontational person. I’m more likely to let a rogue comment I don’t agree with slide, instead of stepping up for the challenge. But when straight men have no sympathy for any minority group and just state their opinion like it’s fact because they haven’t experienced any particular hardships themselves when it comes to their gender, sexuality, or lifestyle, it’s not only tiring, but it’s impossible to listen to without vehemently disagreeing with them. And when it becomes a pattern of behaviour on dates, it turns dating into more of a mediocre task than what it already is.

You have time to figure out your values in your 20s, but your 30s is the chance to implement them in a way that will force you to never settle for anything less. As someone who’s open to entering a monogamous relationship again and maybe one day having a family, the ick comes on faster and stronger than ever before when you realise how opposite you can be to someone.

It stands for dating apps too. After four years on and off the apps, mere words or sentences can give me the ick faster than you can say the words “Myer-Briggs.” My friend and I were discussing the other day how tiring it is to have another man open the chat with “Hey trouble”, as though that’s an enticing way to get to know someone. There’s truly nothing like reading a “hey trouble ;)” message on a Monday night, when you’re home watching MAFS while wearing a face-mask under the guise of doing something nice for yourself as your cortisol levels go through the roof watching Olivia be a pest. (And if you ever truly want to learn what you DON’T want in a future partner, I cannot recommend watching MAFS enough).

Let’s keep burying the bar below the ground with some terrible screenshots:

1. The stalker vibes.

I can’t believe anyone has to be told this, but never open with something so creepy. I’m already paranoid enough when I go out for a 5:30am walk.

2. The specific criteria.

I’m kind of dying to know more: do they need to look so solid and developed that even when you’re not in heels you see the definition? I’ve got pretty small calves so I wouldn’t call them solid and developed, so how many prances would I need to do on a reformer pilates machine to get there? Even if a girl has an amazing smile, sparkling personality, and beautiful eyes, but her calves were just average, would she still not be worth this man’s time? Does he chat about anything other than solid, developed calves?

3. 1/8th Italian.

We’ve learned so much about this man while learning so, so little at the same time. I think my favourite part is that this is the worthy information he deemed important, as though being 1/8th of any nationality is fascinating, and as if liking coffee and a single malt is a personality trait.

Also who needs to understand the Russian/Ukraine war, the upcoming federal election, and the disastrous inaction on climate change when your food is plated nicely?

4. My love language is… everything.

Why even bother, just list them all.

5. The biggest risk I’ve taken..

Mate, if this is your biggest risk in life, no offence but you might want to go out and start living a little.

6. The one thing to never, ever say to me.

The cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity, and the gumption.

7. Try a therapist, Ben.

We’ve all had to work on ourselves, Ben! At 29 I’d hope you’d understand emotions yourself, but I’d strongly recommend a therapist. While you’re there, get your therapist to explain to you that being “brutally honest” isn’t actually a good quality. Have you never watched an episode of MAFS? C’mon now.

Also as a teacher, the “bonus pints” is mildly concerning.

8. Shut the fuck up.

Liam has been drinking from J.K. Rowling’s kool aid. Liam also sounds like the aforementioned guy I unfortunately went on a date with recently so I’ll repeat what I said to him: try and educate yourself before you spout out your own opinion like it’s fact.

9. Sorry, I need men to know that every woman on an app has gotten this response at least 7 times.

And I need men to answer where you all FIND these same phrases/lines to repeat?!

10. A tempting offer.

And if I were president, I’d probably put a ban on dating apps at this point.

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As always, you can follow me and talk me out of applying for MAFS over on Shit Straight Men Say and stay tuned for another interview edition that I’m super excited to share with you, dropping in an inbox near you soon!