"He rolled down his window and told me I disgusted him."
On being avoidant, horror dates, and some important advice to straight men.
This edition of Shit Straight Men Say is a special one! I’m bringing back some interviews with other single people out there, because sure you can read my hot takes any day of the week, but really, I love to hear all of yours.
I interviewed Steph for this edition: I know her through the Twitter world and always love to read her live tweets about MAFS. Steph is in her early-30s and has been single for just under a year after the end of a four-year relationship. She mentioned to me that previously she was single for years as someone “avoidant and picky”, two traits I totally relate to.
Steph mentioning being avoidant came at a timely moment for me, because recently I bought a copy of a book ‘Doing Single Well’ by Gemma Cribb (disclaimer: she is a very good therapist I worked with for over a year to sort my shit out) and while I’m still getting through it, one particular chapter stood out to me in the index.
If you’ve ever done any reading about attachment theories, you’ll know avoidant is one and working with Gemma in 2020 and 2021 made me face this head-on as an issue I had to work on for myself. I’m not necessarily a textbook avoidant, but there have been enough patterns in my life to establish that I was subconsciously doing a lot of things to sabotage relationships and intimacy. My longest relationship has also been with an avoidant which is probably why we stayed together at least a year longer than we should have. It shocks people when I tell them my ex-partner and I couldn’t open up emotionally: we maybe said “I love you” a handful of times in 3.5 years (and only ever if I had initiated it after some liquid courage), I can’t remember a time he complimented me, and we couldn’t talk about bigger issues like mental health, our diminishing physical attraction, and the future. I had so much hurt when the breakup happened because it was pretty brutal and involved cheating, that I held onto that for a long time before I could finally face my own part in the breakdown of the relationship: turns out two avoidants in one relationship = bad idea!
I’ve learned in my time being single and working on myself, I need a lot more: I need a high level of communication, I need a healthy dose of physical intimacy, and I need someone who is open to talking about the future, regardless of whether we butt heads or not. I was an avoidant, but god knows I don’t plan to be for the rest of my life.
But enough about me.
Let’s get into what our special guest Steph has to say about dating in this modern era.
On advice to single men:
“Ask any person, a friend, your mum, your nan, a literal stranger to take a photo of you outside, so you don’t have just gym selfies and group shots. It might make you feel awkward for 5 seconds but they will never think about it again, and your profile will then reflect you better. From experience, girls look for a reason to say NO, guys look for a reason to say YES. Reduce your chances of a no. Also, get any woman in your life to look over the profile and take on what they say. The male and female gaze are very different things and photos you may think are the best, may actually be landing you with no’s.
In real life? Truly confidence is the key. I know my type. It’s a tall, 6/10 attractiveness man who I know would find me intimidating (this may be why I’m single cause the guys I like… I know I intimidate and I’m too loud for). However, if that person has confidence or is funny, oooft such a turn on. An ‘average looking’ man can still come across as incredibly attractive. And confidence doesn’t have to mean being loud or brash either. A quiet sureness of self is just as attractive.”
THE MAIN TAKEAWAYS
Arrogance and cockiness is not the same as confidence.
Women don’t owe you shit.
Pick up artist bullshit (negging, etc) should be thrown in the bin.
Actual nice guys don’t need to say they are nice guys.
Banter is not the same as putting someone down as a joke.
On horror dates and the shit straight men say:
“Christ, where do I begin? Let’s skip all the average dates where people didn’t show up or were just average and boring.
Old mate was late, about an hour late. When he finally arrived and asked me where I was from (we met up in Broadway as we both went to uni around there), I went through half of the Northern Beaches, North Shore, Inner West and the east to which he had heard of none of them before I said, “have you heard of Parramatta?” and he nodded and I said, “yeah so like … 40 minutes from there.” I still don’t know where he’d driven in from. And no, he was not foreign. He was an average Aussie bloke. Anyway, he took me to Timezone where he got competitive and goes, “If I win you have to kiss me.” Except it wasn’t fun and flirty, it was … weird and creepy and gross.
Two hours and many awkward mouth explorations later he tried to get me back to his crappy car in the car park, and I said no and managed to leave. He had said he hated smokers and as he came out of the car park in his car, I was smoking my emergency cigarette and we made very serious eye contact and he rolled down his window and told me, ‘I disgusted him.’”
On what she’s over seeing on the apps:
“God, I am so over the gym bro, and the ones holding a fish, or petting a tiger. Also anyone who uses prompts but answers them with ‘Just ask’ or ‘dunno’ make me want to shoot myself into the sun. Also please find a nice bit of natural light, and smile a little. 2022 is the year we do away with awkward serial killer selfies taken in a bathroom.”
“Girls are out here putting in 1000% on their profiles to match with a man who is either wearing sunnies or looks like he took his own mugshot. Also, stop listing what someone has to be, or all the things they CAN’T do. It’s a dating website not a build a bear.”
On what she wishes for the future of dating:
“Just an app that… caters to all the fuckbois and fuckgirls or even the ones that just want sex (you do you babes!) so the rest of us can keep slogging along without having to be told ‘I'm not here for a relationship’.
I would rather now put my energy into meeting people through friends. All my big relationships have been with people I knew or met through friends in real life. Also, I’m contemplating enacting my idea of a BASF (Bring A Single Friend) party and just making every guest bring one single person with them. I mean with enough booze and people surely we’d have a better success rate than MAFS right?”
And Steph’s final thoughts on dating in the modern age:
“I think online dating works for a certain type of person. And it’s not just looks, it’s personality, humor, all that. There are gorgeous men, women and others on apps not having any luck, and they may feel it’s because of their looks, but I’m more convinced that a lot of us just don’t translate from in person to … talking on an app. So many of us have little tone adjustments that indicate amusement, banter etc. same with micro facial and body language. Yes the apps are great for opening your circle but they never truly reflect how we actually are. They reflect a very curated (and most of the time basic and boring- myself included) representation of ourselves.
Also men, buy two sets of sheets for your bed and make sure you have two pillows and two fucking pillowcases, Jesus. And no, milk crates don’t constitute a bed frame, and neither does the floor!”
You can follow Steph on Twitter here.
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Interested in being interviewed for Shit Straight Men Say? Let me know by emailing shitstraightmensay@gmail.com.