Shit Straight Men Say: "Figuring Out My Dating Goals"

Figure them out on your own!!

The other day someone close to me turned to me and said “you need to stop finding men who have just recently left long-term relationships”.

They weren’t wrong, minus one thing: those men find me! I accept no responsibility! But it made me think about the current lingo on dating apps that those of us who have been single for Quite Some Time now have to avoid if we want to break free of our post-breakup therapist era.

As someone who has been single for five years, every time I now see the term “figuring out my dating goals” it’s a hard no from me. You could look like Gerard Way, and I’d have to unfortunately swipe no. Firstly, there’s nothing WRONG with figuring out your goals! I’m glad you’re doing it, I wish you the best, I just refuse to partake in the journey with you.

In 2023 I am shedding being in my supportive fake girlfriend era and acting like a faux counsellor to men who will later tell me they like me, but it’s too soon and they need to work through some stuff and learn to be alone, and a few months later shack up with their next victim, and then two - five years later circle back and drop back into my life as though I’ve just been patiently waiting around for them to be romantically attracted to me again. No! I’m busy!

I think while the openness of dating apps giving us options to explain ~where we’re at~ is good, there’s a lot of grey area language being introduced to the dating vernacular that is giving people an easier pass to explain away poor behaviour.

If you use “figuring out my dating goals” or “short-term relationship, open to long” it’s vague enough to be able to date someone more consistently but have a get-out-of-jail-free card if things don’t go to plan. These kind of dating situations also then turn into the dreaded situationship, where you’re doing all the things in a normal dating relationship, without the “commitment”. But you don’t question or expect commitment from someone because you know they’re figuring out their goals or just wanted something casual or short-term.

Back in the 2010s we called it friends with benefits. It seemed simpler that way, to be honest.

I’m finally calling bullshit on these phrases. I think for too long as a society we’ve held too much weight on labelling things vs. focusing on how to better our actual communication to bring us better outcomes. If the communication is constant and respectful during a dating situation, then everyone’s on the same page. If someone is throwing around the term “situationship” as a way to reap all the benefits of commitment while then feeling the safety of being able to bail or ghost out without a bigger chat, that’s bullshit behaviour.

Can’t we all just be OK with simply… dating? Some situations will work, some won’t. Some will lead to longer-term monogamy, some won’t. You might date someone you really click with just after you’re fresh out of a breakup and it may be too soon and it’s OK to articulate that to them (stop ghosting them though). You might hit it off with someone, and then a few weeks in, find out you’re incompatible. That’s fine! Just fucking tell them!

I think we need to put to bed the grey-level areas of fixating on modern vernacular as a shield for not having to have difficult conversations. We’re all old enough to be dating, we’re also all old enough to be treating the people we date with common decency.

Before we go into the screenshots, just wanted to say hi and hope that my mate here has figured out how to unsubscribe.

If not, there’s a link at the end of this email. As always, I value hearing your feedback.

Moving on, here are some screenshots of shit men have been saying in recent times.

I’m probably about to get Tinder back soon, I’ve been off it for MONTHS, so here’s the best of Hinge from times I’ve been bothered to open it (which is very rarely at the moment).

1. Seems a bit oddly specific, Joseph.

I uh… what happened on holidays? To you? Or with your ex? I won’t lie, I kind of do what to know more.

2. Please like and subscribe to this newsletter xx.

IDK big dog, I reckon you can figure it out yourself while you’re “figuring out your dating goals”.

3. OK…

You know you can do it without saying it. You’re actually doing it, champ! Good on you.

But this prompt is giving “I’m not ready” energy.

4. Say no more.

Any time a guy gets horny over a heated debate you know he just wants to say something wildly controversial and then argue with you for the sake of it, and then think things are going really well and that you’re flirting, while really you’re sitting on your hands so you don’t stab yourself in the eyeballs with a fork.

5. Just say you’re immature and not ready for a girlfriend.

I need men to mentally age out of the fact that “light bullying”, “roasting” or negging someone is fun and flirty banter. Grow up!

If you’re after light bullying and an “occasional” dose of affection, go hang out with the lads at the pub and then wank off at home by yourself. Dating requires more effort than that, my good friends.

6. Thanks, uh, for confirming.

I didn’t ask, but good to know.

7. Go be free, Dobby.

I’ll give you a sock and you can leave me alone.

8. Previously, in oversharing.

You should all know me well enough now to pick up that that was my final conversation send-off. This man and I shall not be sharing a roast at the Tudor any time soon.

9. Mood.

Can’t fault him.

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OK, nice chatting. Remember to stream Trophy Eyes’ latest song and have a cry if the world feels like too much.

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