I talk a lot about how dating apps have probably ruined dating for a whole generation, but social media as a whole plays a big part too.
Today I had the unfortunate job of transcribing a podcast episode with a man who believes in male coercive control, gender roles, and women having to ‘earn good dick’. I’m not even going to bother mentioning his name to give him the airtime, but it was a depressing reminder men like that exist out in the world, and a whole lot of men lap up these opinions.
(As an aside I could almost guarantee any man who thinks a woman needs to “earn” good dick has never found the clit in his life. I’m not a betting lady, but I think the odds are in my favour.)
I used to get really frustrated by dating app bios or conversations that reeked of misogyny when talking to men — obviously, because it’s how this newsletter came about. But like all things, you realise over time it’s better not to give the virgin dweebs your energy whatsoever, no matter how much they try to bait you online. Even if they are getting laid, they’re probably accidentally fucking the space between your pillow and your leg and asking you if it feels good.
In fact, lessening the energy I give to men has been a real learning curve for me this year. It’s really quite peaceful when you don’t bother analysing, misinterpreting, or trying to make sense or find meaning in tiny breadcrumbs. They either like you or they don’t. They’ll make it known if they do. If they drop the ‘I’m not ready for a relationship but…’, you’re not going to be the one for them. Cut the cord, roll the dice, and try again. Don’t be surprised if they move on within a month after expressing how much they like you. If anything, consider it a bullet dodged.
I’ve been ruminating a lot recently (for something different) on being single in your 30s (fucking wild! who knew I’d think so deeply about that!) and dancing the fine line of what could come out of new opportunities vs the feeling of hopelessness when another situation doesn’t work out.
I have an unwavering belief that every dating situation, situationship or relationship is a life lesson destined to teach you something to bring you one step closer to a better match, your person, or even a soulmate if you believe in that sort of stuff. (Hayley Williams if you are reading this, I think you are my soulmate!!!)
But sometimes, I’m also prone to getting quite tired by my life lessons. “How many more life lessons do I NEED?” I’d like to yell at whatever deranged cupid is leading my love life and shooting arrows at emotionally unavailable men.
But obviously, the problem is I am the deranged cupid shooting the arrows.
I was conducting an interview recently with a TikToker who tries to educate people on sex and relationships and we had a good discussion about mindset when it comes to dating. A lot of people are quick to point blame, not look introspectively, and go onto the next best thing instead of sitting in uncomfortable silence. It’s human nature to want to feel like you have a person, to try and repress the hurt of another person, to fill the void in whatever way we can.
Navigating dating in your 30s is particularly tricky. Everyone’s a little bitter, weighed down with a little more baggage, contemplating what they want and what they’ve been programmed to believe — is monogamy normal? Is this person really my next relationship or do I just like the attention? Should it be this hard to simply even date without getting distracted by other options? Do we even put in proper effort anymore? Have the apps killed all of our motivation?
Is it possible to find love when this is the norm and not the outlier? When we’ve all really stopped trying to impress each other because there’s always another person around the corner?
Did I even ask what you’re looking for, sir?
Is it possible to have success on dating apps when every third bio is a man expressing his desire for a ‘feminine’ woman while also, for some reason, promoting their MLM scheme?
Can you really ask for emotional maturity if you’re not emotionally mature enough to understand gender roles were dictated by the patriarchy and in life, situations and “roles” are going to ebb and flow, depending on the circumstances and curveballs life throws at you?
Can you really ask for an educated girl when you can’t even finish the sentence in an educated way?
Gary, do you think I even WANT to mingle anymore?
I think I’ve mingled enough!
Yet, still, as always, like Dory on Finding Nemo, I’ll simply forget anything that comes my way and pick myself up and try and try again or whatever Aaliyah said.
One day, I’ll be on the lounge with my person, staring into their eyes and saying “Do you know how much shit I went through to find you?”
And he’ll say:
Until next time, my friends. If you enjoyed my ‘Month on Feeld’ post I’ll have a similar edition of trialling a dating app feature coming hot into your inbox in December
If you think that navigating dating in your 30’s is tricky, try it in your 60’s! It can be quite the nightmare. Many men have not matured socially. Most men do not take care of themselves the way women tend to. They are often looking for “a nurse or a purse.” Or, they have a life and are trying to replace the current leading lady with a new one (meaning they expect you to integrate into THEIR life as opposed to building a life together).
I agree that each relationship is intended to teach us something (I also agree that I have learned enough, thank you!). We should always look within before looking for another. What’s that definition of stupid---doing the same thing and expecting different results.