One time I debated if I could keep continuing seeing a man because he told me he had a nut allergy.
For someone who writes about dating and petty people and bad stereotypes and bios, I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I never fuck up or have never had a shallow thought cross my mind. I am not a zen dating app guru who never does anything wrong. Sometimes people will email or message me after editions and be like “I didn’t agree with xyz that you said” and that’s totally fine (I love hearing other people’s viewpoints so this is by no means a complaint). I’m not writing things for people to agree with everything I say like I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I’ve been single nearly five years! I’m nearly at the point of no return! I’m just out here just trying to vibe*.
*Get through the best I can after years of a pandemic, numerous failed first dates, inflation on groceries, rent, and other bills, treating my body like a temple but also a garbage truck at the same time, and spending most of my days wasting away in meetings while La Niña rages on.
So I admit, one time I really debated if I could go on a date with someone after the whole nut allergy thing. A life of no peanut butter, nutella, dark chocolate almonds, brazil-nuts-for-hair-growth, flashed before my eyes. I could kill this man by kissing him which would be a shame because I really quite liked him. I fear I’d be judged for the dreary afternoons I spread a layer of peanut butter onto 78% dark chocolate and convince myself it’s a treat. Also, satay is life.
After a moment of spiralling, I realised as someone who gags at the mere sight of cheese for no other reason than the fact I hate it, I didn’t have much of a leg to stand on. I could move forward with pursuing No-Nut Man (I might need to rethink that nickname). But it’s not to say we don’t all have petty thoughts or gripes when it comes to dating and it doesn’t take long for a petty thought to develop into a fullblown ick if you’re not careful.
I asked the Shit Straight Men Say Facebook group about some of their petty gripes* and it was a funny time.
“He told me he was going to get a dog, and the dog that he got was a toy poodle.”
“I was already seeing warning signs, but him telling me he was gluten intolerant was the last straw…”
“Man told me everything he owned was off Wish while he was wearing a ‘CUCCI’ shirt.”
“Excessive chewing with his mouth open and audible lip smacking… Oh and recently it was an awful handshake.”
“My friend rang me immediately after her boyfriend’s umbrella had blown inside out to tell me that it was her newest ick.”
“A grown man who writes ‘hehe’.”
“Dumped a guy because he was allergic to most seafood.”
“Patchy wispy beards.”
“If their favourite movie is Wolf Of Wall Street.”
*Please take all of these with a grain of salt and don’t get salty in my DMs about how people can’t help it if their umbrella blows out, we’ve all been there, have a laugh and move on.
But don’t laugh by typing ‘hehe’ for the love of god.
The latest in Shit Straight Men Say:
1. It’s always the J names.
I don’t know what this means, Jack. That you can’t stop because you’re addicted to the shindig? That you prey on underage girls? That you expose yourself to unwilling women? That you think Catholic school girls rule?
I’d rethink this one.
2. This man is about to be sorely disappointed.
The job chat is boring at the best of times. I do not expect people to give a fuck about what I do. I’m not usually one of those people who talks about my work day in great detail other than complaining about the amount of meetings that happen. But when I tell men on dating apps what I do for a living, it’s met with a few common answers.
1. If I mention reality TV in the description I sent them, they tell me they’re not a fan of reality TV. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I’m not a fan of corporate law or mechanical engineering or being a data analyst, whatever the fuck that means. I don’t expect you to be a “fan” of my job! Of course the underlying implication in a lot of cases is that reality TV is just for idiot women who thrive on drama and aren’t “smart” enough to do real journalism. But this is not true! I do not thrive on drama!
2. The second common response I get is the above screenshot. This is not the first time I’ve told a man I edit an entertainment website (my short answer because again who gives a fuck) and have them assume I’m talking about adult entertainment. I’m sorry to disappoint these gentlemen, my job is a little less exciting than that.
3. So true, king.
I’ve always said that!!!
4. A what now?!
One of my coworkers sent me this gem.
I’m doubting, given the confusing nature of his name and age also, that Dick/Darcy isn’t providing the goods at his job of “cat devourer” at Orgasmic Incorporated. I’d go as far as to speculate this whole bio is a result of one man desperately trying to lose his virginity.
5. Lmao.
It is such a weird flex to say you have a “kind of intimidating” personality. I’m not sure if this man thought it made him sound hot in the alpha male kind of way but men should probably know that if you describe your personality as “intimidating” to a woman, all it’s going to do is bring up huge red flags.
The best part is he’s said it without even knowing what that means. Needless to say, the conversation ended there.
6. Zzzzzzzzzz.
I am so bored of men instigating “truth or dare?” as a way to ask a horny question.
My biggest turn on at this stage is never having to answer this question on a dating app again.
7. What if my tiny woman brain doesn’t understand your Stepbrothers quote?
Look, I gotta hand it to men. I’ve never met a species so excited to quote The Simpsons within every possible context or drop a line from the 2008 film Stepbrothers like it’s still peak comedy in 2022. Men have really been out here, working hard, to make it seem like remembering quotes from a TV show or movie is indicative of having a sense of humour or a personality.
It’s kinda like how in 2004 teen girls quoted Mean Girls but also dropped it by the time they became fully-grown adults.
Before I go, this stupid meme make me spiral.
This was meant to be the light-hearted edition without me going too deep for once, but I failed right at the end.
Hustle culture is so funny to me, admittedly, a former work-addicted hustler who thought I was only achieving things in life if I adhered to a strict 5am - 10pm routine including morning gym, meal prep, 12 hours of work, rinse and repeat until my insomnia flared up, my attention span shortened, and my moods became more erratic.
Anyway, this meme is funny (by funny I mean stupid) in a few ways:
1. Can you not buy properties, start businesses, and still enjoy sex and going out to eat? Does it have to be one or the other?
2. Surely in the pandemic years we can all take a breath and just simply enjoy going out for dinner or having (hopefully) great sex without feeling guilty that we’re not hustling. Also imagine having money to buy a business, lol. I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this after a work day, I’d be running my emo gym and probably, right now, be unwinding in the 7pm yoga class All Time Flow.
3. Regardless of who made this meme, a male friend pointed out that the underlying messaging is a more recent form of misogyny he sees happening in his straight male circle: that men are now using a checklist to figure out the perfect partner for them and expecting women to slot neatly into these boxes without fuss. They want the look of a trophy wife, but also someone who is naturally beautiful (don’t even get me started on men using “natural beauty” without knowing the exact effort it takes to look like the natural beauty they envision). They also want someone career-focused with ambition, someone who would support them in their career, someone to “buy properties and start businesses with”, and someone who would be a good mother — but they then wouldn’t think twice about the mental, physical, and emotional workload that a woman would undertake to deliver on ALL of these expectations.
Statistically speaking, data still shows that women are doing far more hours of unpaid work — cooking, cleaning, taking care of children — than their male counterparts. Now I’ve truly strayed from the actual meme here, but this comes back to the overall notion of modern-day hustle culture and the lies social media feed us that we can have it all, and that people can have all that in a partner, and we must strive for materialistic or shallow success to look like we’ve made it.
The reality isn’t like that. This isn’t to say you can’t be with someone who inspires you and supports you — and you buy your properties and start your businesses and complete each other’s checklist — but it takes actual hard work, good communication, acceptance of flaws, and overall empathy and understanding that you don’t just chug along at life with everything miraculously slotting into place one day. The meme messaging could’ve very easily been created by a woman as well, and I’m sure many women also fall victim to the ideology behind it. Forget sex! Forget boozy brunch! I’m going to girlboss so close to the sun I hope I explode!
I’m certain many straight men feel different societal expectations from hustle culture: I’ve had male friends tell me on the opposite end of things they’ve had women judge them for not having high enough salaries that would support their lifestyle or having a family. It can all be a vicious cycle.
Anyway back to the meme and anyone who thinks it’s a good message: you’re not superior to someone because you have a “get shit done” attitude and someone else is out for brunch after a morning of great sex. Frankly, I know which person I’d rather be at this stage of my life.
I nearly got to the end of this for once without analysing something too hard. You win some, you lose some.