Shit Straight Men Say: 'After consistent yet casual'

We're all stuck in a dating vortex where we have one foot out the door at all times.

Jul 30, 2024

There’s a point every year where I give up on dating. Sometimes I spend months with a deranged enthusiasm thinking practice makes perfect, and you’ve got to be in it to win it, and you only learn more about yourself and what you want through dating, but the flip-side is it’s really exhausting when you don’t make any connections whatsoever. No feelings. No excitement. Maybe a friend or two if you’re lucky.

Realising the Big Big Lockdown was three years ago has been a bit of a sobering experience because it was also the last time I think I had proper, genuine feelings for someone. It was the first “crush” I had experienced after my long-term breakup and it’s the last time I’ve felt that kind of natural, organic excitement over getting to know someone and I think that was only because we were forced to slowly get to know each other because of being stuck in lockdown. It’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed the company of other people since, or even thought I had feelings at times — but those situations have been clouded by obstacles that heightened them, rather than being a natural progression of romantic feelings.

Part of the problem for me now too is I’ve actually just worked really fucking hard on myself. This is obviously not a problem, per se, it’s a good thing, but the combination of a dwindling dating pool, raising your standards, and working on your attachment style and past trauma amongst other things doesn’t exactly make it easy to find the connection you want in the fickle modern-dating world. I no longer romanticise people the way I used to, I am no longer fixated on whether I’m making a good impression or if people like me or not, and I am no longer accepting a low bar or poor behaviour. I am finally sitting on dates and evaluating very simple but important things: do they make me laugh, have they asked me questions about myself (or am I just sitting here listening to them?) are they even listening to me when I talk, are their actions lining up to their words, am I having actual fun with them or do I just know how to be fun in this situation… it’s eye-opening, sad, and interesting how often these very basic needs aren’t being met.

I think it’s important to take breaks from dating as much as it is to “put yourself out there”. It’s easy to become disillusioned, to start looping men (or women) into the same category, to start taking little grievances or annoyances from date to date and to brandish people with the same mentality or stereotypes. We’re all guilty of it. If you don’t break the cycle from time to time, it’s hard to imagine how you’re going to magically find long-term happiness with another person.

I don’t want to meet someone when I’m feeling weighed down, fatigued, and disillusioned with dating and a person comes along and I think “they’ll do, because they seem normal enough and haven’t made an insane misogynistic comment on our date like every other guy”.

Maybe it’s a hopeless journey, but I want to meet someone when it’s not a “they’ll do” but it’s an “I choose you” and they’ll choose me too.

Until that day, we always have the mems (the screenshots).

Shit straight Men Say: a shoutout to the men in their 30s who are just wanting ‘consistent but casual’ edition

I could write a whole book about the men I’ve been on actual IRL dates with this year and the shit they’ve said, but for the sake of keeping some things private I’m sticking to meaningless screenshots for the time being.

Unless a publisher is reading this and wants to pay me to write a book ofc.

Men are in their era of wanting an ongoing situationship without the permanence or commitment of having a girlfriend

This isn’t entirely shocking, but is it getting boring? Yes. I think the problem lies here: dating apps have made us all feel disposable and shit and everyone’s tiring of them. But also the problem is, because of them, we aren’t meeting people where the pacing of the relationship develops organically or naturally. So we’re now left with people who are craving human connection, but who are terrified of intimacy and commitment and who are also reliant on the dopamine hit of apps. People are convinced someone better is going to come along at any given stage, like some magical unicorn is about to fulfil all of our needs and desires.

I also think because of how social media has influenced our lives and relationships, people are really, really bad at being alone. So they’d rather be in some situationship where they can keep one foot out the door, instead of learning to spend time in their own company or sit with the uncomfortable feelings of being bored and/or lonely.

It’s an absolute mindfuck. I’m not even trying to have a go at these men who are like “hey I want an ongoing thing with only one person but not a girlfriend” because I think people are being conditioned to think this is completely normal. It’s just no one is questioning it or looking back at what they’ve written and thinking, “wait, what the fuck AM I looking for?!”