Shit Straight Men Say #8: "Are you going to write about me?"
I've gone on four first dates this year. This may not sound like a lot, but it's a step up from my one first date of 2019, so we love to see character growth.
Of course on first dates, the usual getting to know you questions arise. Talk of work, interests, hobbies, favourite bands, past trauma, etc. When I mention I'm a writer, it's met with some interest. When I mention I'm a writer with a schedule that revolves around reality TV, it's often met with some disdain. If I mention in the off-season of reality TV I write about dating, it's met with an eye-gleaming curiosity that has brought me to a new life lesson.
Men love to think I'll write about them.
Now, it's not an unfair assumption given this newsletter is, well, pretty much exactly that. But as I often say, I'd love the confidence of a mediocre man – a man who even assumes our date would be interesting enough to warrant 1000 words based on the assumption I have given any more thought to the date after our polite goodbyes.
The reality is, I'm not good at prioritising dating. It can be exhausting, and I tend to believe that dating apps have sucked the fun out of dating. It's hard to imagine how to meet any longterm romantic prospect these days (this whole pandemic thing doesn't help) and to have a pool of people at your fingertips isn't as much fun as it sounds.
Which is why you may have noticed it has been some time since my last newsletter. A combination of dating app fatigue and Bachie burnout got the best of me, and the thought of running through the same old conversation with potential dating app matches felt depressing at worst and exhausting at best.
So I said bye to Tinder. Bumble was all but a distant memory. I kept Hinge on in the background, not using it myself but just screening for the odd match.
I did start one conversation in that time, and after barely exchanging greetings it didn't take him long to (accidentally) admit he had tracked me down online. It was an interesting choice given I didn't have the website I edit in my bio, nor do I include my last name on Hinge, so A+ to his sleuthing skills of Googling "Tahlia + editor" I guess.
Needless to say, the conversation flamed out exactly after this moment. It's hard to confirm to someone they'll appear in my writing tales if all we've ever had is a conversation about how their week has been. Sorry Kyle*, you just ain't that special.
(*Probably not his name.)
If you're a user of Hinge, you'll know it has a "most compatible" feature which I am on a mission to find out how exactly this algorithm works, given I seem to be "most compatible" with every person I am kiiiinda poking fun of on apps. If my most compatible really is the guy who thinks disliking pineapple on pizza is a personality trait, then I am in some serious trouble.
It's also all fun and games until Hinge deems your most compatible as someone else from your hometown because I guess when you both have "Wagga" listed as your hometown means you definitely should date. On the topic of Hinge's most compatible, I present you with...
Screenshot of the week: The Ghost of You.
Sorry to this man! That I didn't reply to his night message speedily the next morning upon waking or before my lunch break that day at work! Please! Forgive! Me! For! Being! Busy!
Screenshot of the week #2: The great escalation.
There's only one thing you can do in this situation. Wish the poor guy well with his recovery, and yeet out.
Story of the week: Men have dating pet peeves too!
A while ago I interviewed a few men about their dating app habits. Mainly, I was desperate for them to explain to me why every third man has a photo with a dead fish, and why every second man seems desperate to reassure us he's 6ft tall.
Answers? I got them. (Fish photos show an outdoorsy side, the height thing is apparently down to women wanting to know their height so it saves them answering later down the track... etc.)
Given I spend a fair amount of time online making fun of men's dating app habits and bios, it seemed only fair to ask the men what they're kinda sick of seeing too. In short, it's a lot of the same stuff. We're all over the word banter, we're no longer looking for our "partners in crime", we shriek every time someone references their Myers-Briggs result. You can read more about it here.
This ongoing chat about what all us single people are over also got me thinking it's time to stop asking people what their Love Language is. I've been asked a few times in more recent times, and let me tell you gents – I know what your love language is without you telling me! Let's move on!
New dating theory: Men don't know their own height.
OK, it's very easy for me to make fun of men who seem precious about their height on dating apps, because as a 5ft tall woman, I've never dated someone shorter than me. But I've come to the conclusion most men like to guesstimate their heights, adding a few extra inches to make it seem "passable" to women on dating apps.
Obviously the problem here is that people can be judgemental about height. If men are lying about their height, it's coming from a place of fear of being judged. This may sound dramatic, I have friends who say they won't date short men or men shorter than them, so I get it's a situation that can be unfair for men. But hey men of the world, at least you don't have to go through childbirth, it ain't all that bad!
Earlier this year I was sitting with two of my best friends, and we were discussing the height thing, and my friend promptly dropped he was 6ft tall which left me and my other friend howling with laughter. It was then I learned that every man exaggerates his height and I've come up with the theory that stating you're '5'9' is the first "acceptable" height men put on their bios. Judging by my dating life alone, any man who states he's 5'9 on an app is probably 5'7 IRL.
Stay tuned for my next article where I start bringing a measuring tape on dates with me, not because I care about how tall they are, but because I am now fascinated with how tall everyone thinks they are.
Parting thoughts:
What I've been listening to: 'Everyone Has An Ex' by Georgia Love/Minty Media. I've laughed, I've cried, I've learned my own bad breakup could've been SO much worse, I've listened to many women describe heartbreak and moving on in more articulate ways than I ever could. Every friend I've sent to go listen to it has binged the whole thing, so go forth and enjoy.
Something to watch, if you feel like it: I recently watched Brené Brown's TED Talk on the power of vulnerability. I am someone who has the ability to overcorrect, so when I've been told I need to change or fix something I tend to take it on and then go towards the other end of the spectrum. Because of the fallout of my last relationship, I approach dating now with one foot out the door before even going into it. I've gotten more assertive and confident in who I am as a person, but it's also overcorrected to a defensiveness, or perhaps a bigger shield of protection around myself. I was vulnerable in my first relationship, and in my mind that led me to loss of identity, catastrophe, and a version of myself I didn't recognise anymore because I wasn't "strong enough" at the time. In fact, unfortunately, I just dated a narcissist.
A lot of this talk resonated with me, not only in love but in how I carry myself in work, so if anything I just mildly rambled about then resonated with you, you should watch it here.
Relatable content of the week:
My friend sent me this on Instagram and I felt seen.
In uni, my friends and I joked about how we needed a once-a-week boyfriend. His duties involved picking us up on Wednesday nights after uni night, driving us to Macca's, then he was allowed to spend the next day at the beach with us, before disappearing again until the next week.
I think we were onto something.
In parting news, reality TV season is over for the year which means I may even find the time and/or willpower to go on dating apps again! Stay tuned for Tinder: the holiday edition (Byron Bay) and Tinder: the Christmas hometown addition (I'm already scared.)
Friends, do you have a dating story or dating app screenshot to share? Slide into my DMs if you dare.