Shit Straight Men Say #7: "Girls like you always do this to nice guys like me."
Most women dating men have had to deal with the nice guy syndrome.
Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS) is often applied to a man who thinks being nice to a woman means she then owes him something – sex, romance, a relationship perhaps. It's a toxic trait, and you can tell a man is suffering from the dreaded NGS when he constantly complains about being friendzoned by someone who's shown him zero romantic interest along the way. He may talk mixed signals, as though someone writing back to his messages obviously meant that they wanted him. He'll lament about girls always going for douches, and not a nice man like him. He'll complain, stereotype, or slut-shame when something hasn't gone his way or he faces another rejection.
Ironically, a self-professed nice guy isn't really a nice guy after all.
We all know a woman doesn't owe anything to a man simply because he's been nice to her, and we all know NGS is definitely a man's problem. Try as I might, I can't think of a female friend getting vicious or nasty if someone she had been chatting to happened to friendzone her. I can't think of a time a woman has complained to me that she treated someone SO nicely, wasted so much time being NICE, and they had the audacity to not want to have sex with her. I'm yet to hear about a woman being rejected on a dating app and dropping the line "guys like you always do this to nice girls like me."
I often state I'd love the confidence of a mediocre white man, but the silver lining is I'll avoid presumptuous situations for the rest of my life by not assuming a woman who has politely written back to my incessant DMs is interested in me.
If you ask around, most women you know have probably dated a Nice Guy or had to at least reject one. He might be the Nice Guy until he's in a situation he can't handle, watching his girlfriend happily chat at a party while "ignoring" him. He might be the Nice Guy at work who misread his coworker being friendly to him as desperately wanting him, and then he turns vicious after the rejection, making her work life a living hell.
He might be the Nice Guy who was my first boyfriend, who cried when I broke up with him, complaining that "this shit always happens to nice guys like me" before continually pestering me on and off for years, including hiding under my car after a night out and persistently calling me when I wouldn't come outside. The real kicker is, we dated in total for about 8 weeks and it's taken me about 10 years to get him to stop orbiting me.
Talking about all these lovely, nice men, brings me to some stellar screenshots for this week's newsletter, sent to me by a friend. Let's unpack them, shall we?
Screenshot of the week #1:
Two years?! How could anyone possibly survive?! I'm coming up to three years of being single, and unfortunately I haven't coped since the day my last ex left me for someone else. I've just been slowly walking around, banging into walls, desperately trying to feel something again. My heart stopped beating after the two-year mark. If only I had kids to prove my life had any sort of worthwhile meaning without a relationship.
I also love that because someone states they've been single for two years, he presumes she's then had no one around. Should we now be counting any casual conquests or short-term flings as not being single? Because that changes some things.
Screenshot of the week #2:
Nothing is a bigger red flag than having a brand new conversation with someone and have them dump their pet peeves/grievances/issues onto you about how "girls on dating apps" are treating them.
It's called therapy. Try it out, so you can save yourself being unmatched in the future.
Bio of the week: Nice Guy Syndrome lives on.
Ahh yes, women LOVE a self-pitying bio bagging out women for what "they want". He doesn't sound toxic at ALL.
Runner-up bio of the week:
How could anyone POSSIBLY keep up?!
Story of the week: What makes people unmatch?
Recently I asked the good people who follow me on Instagram what makes them unmatch someone instantly. This was brought on by someone saying "how's ur day darling x" to me. It may seem harsh, but you gotta remember I've been wading through these apps, swimming blindly for at least 2.5 years. My patience is virtually non-existent.
So I conducted a survey, just like Grant Denyer on Family Feud!
Want to know the answers? Read about it on my blog xo.
Just kidding. Now, I know this newsletter is a very heterosexual look into what it's like to pursue cishet men, but what I really enjoyed about asking this question was gaining perspective on what makes everyone tick, regardless of age, gender, sexuality, etc. There's something nice about everyone being united together to stop using the word "banter".
Here are the top 10 answers regarding what makes people unmatch others on dating apps.
When they call you "hun" or "darling."
When they ask how tall you are.
Any mention of horoscopes.
If they have bad grammar.
Saying "must have banter" then not having "banter" themselves.
Anyone who says "hehe" or uses the winking emoji excessively.
"Add me on Snapchat."
When they neg you as a way of greeting you.
Sending a GIF and no follow-up message.
Asking to meet up in the second sentence.
Terrifying opening message of the week:
Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words.
Parting thoughts:
While obviously I do get great joy out of making fun of the shit straight men say, a friend sent me a pickup line he got on Tinder from a straight woman and it's a real doozy. When a girl told him she was looking for a "handyman" and he offered to help her out, she said she needed him to "paint her insides white."
If you had to think about that one for a second, ditto.
Recommended reading of the week:
My ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend sent me this very interesting article. Titled "Men Have No Friends And Women Bear The Burden" it explores toxic masculinity, men shying away from expressing feelings and emotions, and the overall "emotional golddigging" that can happen in relationships due to millennial men never being taught what their emotional needs are. Read it here.
Recommended listening of the week:
It's been around for numerous seasons, but I've finally delved into Esther Perel's podcast "Where Should We Begin?" In it, she counsels real life couples going through real life shit. It's pretty eye-opening and really showcases the importance of communication within relationships. Listen to it here.
OK, thanks for reading my tirades once again. In personal news, I lasted six hours on Hinge, three days on Bumble, and now I have neither, but I do have Tinder back to play its weird 'Swipe Night' game this weekend.
Next week: the psychic edition! What I've learned about dating after seeing numerous psychics (other than the fact I should stop asking psychics for advice).
Friends, do you have a dating story or dating app screenshot to share? Slide into my DMs if you dare.