Thereās something really depressing about being in your 30s and the only romantic interaction you have is through people using emojis to indicate a sometimes fairly unenthusiastic level of interest.
I havenāt been actively dating in recent months and while Iām now perusing Tinder (and as of yesterday, Hinge) to see if I can find a British man who will ruin my life for a few days soon, itās hard to shake the admin-like nature of connecting with people on apps now and the lack of effort that comes from all parties.
After too many years on and off the apps than Iād care to admit, I actually now think itās possible to be able to tell if a connection could be worth your time within minutes ā like, Iām saying, you can literally tell within the first initial lines of how they instigate, respond, or carry the conversation if theyāre worthy of your time.
If itās the same old mundanity and age-old lines, itās hard to imagine why youād want to then go spend a night on date even though his bio reads ābetter in personā. I mean, Iād sure fucking hope so.
Iāve been thinking of people Iāve matched with over the years who have felt different, the ones Iāve felt inexplicably drawn to for some reason: theyāve always been the ones that have lasted more than a handful of dates, and usually I could tell the spark from something on their bio or through our very first interactions. Sometimes (and very rarely) it just clicks.
Then I think of the complacent people who are ticking off the apps like another checklist, ready to date and repeat the same boring conversations over and over again, until one day they meet a similar version of themselves and settle down.
Really, right now, Iām bored. Bored of gritting my teeth through another night of a man solely talking about himself as though heās the most interesting person in the world, bored of validating everyoneās precious egos, bored of thinking about excuses for how to leave a dud date one hour in, bored of men thinking an argument on a date about anything to do with human rights, feminism, recent news stories, or some shitty white man podcast host is a way to assert their power ā even if theyāre undeniably wrong ā and then having them perceive your horrified glance as sexual tension, rather than understanding theyāve just made you drier than the Sahara desert.
Itās all just become very, very boring.
Because if this is the level of effort men in their ACTUAL 30s now put into dating, I want out.
Iāve actually started the writing process of my book (believe it or not) and as I was detailing a situation in one chapter I realised itās been two years since a man I was romantically interested in, put any semblance of effort into āwooingā or impressing me.
No organised or thought-out dates, no romantic hookups where I feel like the guy is overly interested in me as a person, no open communication about feelings, where weāre at, what they want. And this isnāt a āwoe is meā thing ā itās something I hear across the board from many single people.
I think when first dating someone, itās normal to just go for a drink and suss out each otherās vibes. But Iāve found my dating situations in recent years, beyond the first couple of dates, to be lacking in some areas and I think it becomes wildly unmotivating for both parties. Pub dinners, Netflix and chill, the sporadic late Saturday night sleepover, slightly hungover Sunday brunch. Thatās about as good as it gets in a lot of modern-day dating.
Weāve stopped trying to impress each other.
The rise of this situationship style of dating means we can have someone fill a void for an amount of time, before someone āmore excitingā comes along. Weāre pining after things we donāt have, that we may never have, because the feeling of having all of these options at our fingertips is making everyone treat each other like exactly that ā options, and never first choices.
Thankfully, to balance all of this out before I hit a deep depression, Iāve been able to witness in recent months close people in my life who are in great, healthy relationships, with partners who openly adore them. Because men, itās not embarrassing to openly love and appreciate your partner (or the person youāre dating), or compliment them, or hold their hand, or make them feel good. Itās actually really nice.
I call it the golden retriever energy. For years I, and many women I know, have been settling for lazy cat energy, while giving far too much emotional, physical, and mental labour to the men rotating in circles around us.
So Iāve decided, simply, no more. Iām just not going to stand for the bare minimum effort anymore. Itās very boring. I hate being bored.
And so should every single person in this current modern-day dating game.
I havenāt decided yet if Iām going to date while Iām overseas but if I do I have one hypothesis ā that the men overseas would put in far more effort than Australian men. So maybe I will have to prove myself right (or wrong, Iām open to being wrong).
Surely anything is better than whatās on offer here at this stage.
(Please donāt mistake that as a diss towards musical theatre.)
Also if youāve stuck with me for this long, here are some other screenshots Iāve collected in my mere minutes of despair before I log out again and let the TikTok tarot girlies tell me that my perfect man is coming to find me soon.
Phew, calm down there, buddy! Donāt get too excited. Donāt give too much away!
Iād re-think the wording with the name, Rage.
I didnāt know having an Instagram + wasting time at the gym was a mutually exclusive thing, but you learn something new every day.
Meanwhile Andy isnāt giving me much hope for my UK travels.
I guess I might have to start browsing Italy if Iām looking to be wooed.