On Ethical Non Monogamy
It's in everyone's dating bios, but what the hell is it?
When I was younger, I pictured myself in a stereotypical nuclear family set up in my 30s.
I had it all planned out: marriage at 27, a bit of travelling as a couple, looking at starting a family around 30. Of course in this 2000-2009 dream of mine, I was also probably working as a famous journalist and writing books on the side with all that spare time we get as adults, and earning a huge amount of money to support a family by 30. And probably not living in Sydney, but in a nice four-bedroom house with beach views, a swimming pool, and a couple of dogs.
Now 31, I’ve never come close to marriage in my previous relationships. Most men I meet straight-up don’t want marriage or kids (and boy do they love to tell you on the first date when you’re just trying to learn their name). A lot of my friends also don’t see marriage and/or kids in their future. My mind is split straight down the middle, in the two lives I picture for myself: after so many years of being single and enjoying being independent, I can picture the future unattached life. I think of my last therapist who wrote books, was child-free, and wore incredibly high heels all the time, and I imagine her weekends being blissful. I still also vividly see a version of the life I thought I’d have when I was younger, except the mansion with a pool doesn’t exist (unless I win the lottery), and I’d be having a stern chat with a future partner about the fact if I had his child, we’d also be putting some money away for mummy to get a boob lift after.
I’m constantly torn between wanting to believe I’ll have a love story that’s reminiscent of my parents and their disgustingly happy marriage vs. believing that it’s actually not “normal” to be tied down with one person in lives that are ever-changing and unpredictable. Ultimately, I know we’re a product of the way we’re raised and what we see around us: I see my parents closing in on 40 years, numerous kids, numerous businesses, and I see the sacrifices they’ve had to make along the way. Yet, they’ve paved the way for me to believe that type of love and relationship and growth can exist with the right person and the hard work. I also look around me and see people around my age who are in stock-standard monogamous relationships and seem desperately unhappy (or “stuck” as one friend once said), and I thank my lucky stars I’m not in that position.
A trend I’ve seen pop up more and more on dating apps in the last 6-12 months is people describing themselves as ENM – otherwise known as ethically non-monogamous. We’ve gone from the couples looking for a third to many couples choosing to date others (either casually or on a more committed basis), while happily still together with their primary partner. (And yes, that being said there are still so many couples looking for a third.) But basically, there’s a whole dating world out there that I’m sure many of us didn’t factor into our life goals when we were kids and teens.
Currently for me, in the present day, if I were to enter a relationship again I’d still lean towards monogamy. However as a single person, I’ve dated men who are ENM, especially when I knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious. It took the pressure off me to feel like I wasn’t leading anyone on and the communication was a lot more open from the get-go, even though in my experience I’d have to say most of them seemed confused about the rules of their own ENM journey, or were maybe just very new to it if they were partnered up already.
I do tend to wonder now, as the term pops up more and more on Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, how many assumedly single straight men are using it as an umbrella term while not really knowing what it means. Are they being that ethical and honest with their encounters? Or is it their new buzz word and are they just hoping it works as a way for them to sleep around with no real communication around it?
When it comes to navigating the world of ENM in a respectable and healthy way, I’ve always been interested in how people can make it work. I spoke to two people about their journey into ethical non-monogamy and what they’ve learned along the way.
Leanne Yau is the founder of Poly Philia, the largest social media platform dedicated to non-monogamy awareness in Europe.
“I practise non-monogamy because I find it more fulfilling and enriching than monogamy,” she told me. “Having my partner(s) see other people also gives me great emotional security, as I know that they are with me because they genuinely enjoy my company and want to commit to me, rather than because they have no other options or fear dying alone.”
When it comes to the rise of ENM people on dating apps, Leanne had this to say:
“In my experience, while there is definitely greater understanding of what ENM is and isn't compared to a few years ago, I still occasionally run into people who abuse the concept of ENM by conflating it with casually dating around (with the ultimate goal of monogamy as endgame) or who believe that one cannot be truly committed in a relationship if one is ENM.”
Of course, being poly or ENM comes with judgement and misconceptions.
“[People assume] I have no standards and will have sex with anything that moves. While I am very sexually promiscuous and have had more sexual adventures than the average person, I still care about building genuine, long-term connections with people!” Leanne said. “People are often surprised when they find out that I have a long-term partner who I live with and plan to have children with in the future, while continuing to pursue ENM. They assume that I'm here to have a good time but not a long time, and I'm here to show them that you can have both.”
I also spoke to someone who wished to remain anonymous about his own journey into ENM, which he started in his 20s when starting to explore things more sexually.
“To me, ENM is a big umbrella term, which includes things like open relationships, swinging and polyamory and others. It basically means a consensual way to see other people,” he said.
He came into ENM as a single man who would join couples, before seeing someone who was also someone with a similar lifestyle.
“In my experience, ENM is probably more of a thing that couples explore after being monogamous for a period, rather than singles going in saying they are ENM,” he told me. “I fell into it while being the third for a couple, then I met someone else doing the same on a lifestyle app, and then we explored it. Maybe I fell into it ass backwards, I don't know. But she was on board, and off we went on our ENM journey. We used to be in an open relationship.”
The couple navigated issues with jealousy but he found it was a way to process and work through emotions at a different level.
“If you can't get over it, maybe it's not for you. And, that's fine, too,” he said.
As for now?
“I am not currently practicing ENM,” he said. “I was in a few ENM relationships in my early - mid 20s. They were very fulfilling and fun, and I cherish them. Those ended for various reasons. Then, I was single for a while. When I re-entered the dating scene, I just went into monogamy. I had done all the exploring I needed to do, I enjoyed ENM a lot, but as I got older, I just fell into monogomy.”
Final thoughts: On how to shut a straight man up
Ever matched with someone that just sends you constant, weird messages even if you don’t reply and haven’t gotten around to unmatching them? I finally figured out what makes them stop in their tracks.
From one Omicron-riddled person, I hope everyone reading this latest edition is doing OK (I’m lucky I wrote 90% of this before the brain fog took over the other day, but any typos etc. I’ll happily blame COVID for).
Shout out and send me bad screenshots or dating stories to Shit Straight Men Say if you’re also stuck in iso (or even if you’re not!). I’ve got some real doozies coming up for you in the next edition.